Going natural, or as most of us like to say, returning to natural, can be a huge decision for any woman to make. 
While some may dismiss the importance of it – think anyone who has ever told you “it’s just hair!” – the fact of the matter is, as a woman, and especially as a woman of color, it’s so much more than that.
A woman’s hair is very much her glory; it speaks to her personality, shows diversity, and distinguishes her from the crowd. So making the decision to transition to natural or do a big chop is definitely not one to be taken lightly. When a black woman’s hair changes, many facets of her life change with it.
As such, before making my decision to return to natural, I considered several factors, including my career and position in the corporate world, my leadership role in church, and the opinions of my friends, who often told me that I wouldn’t look “right” without a relaxer.
Most important among these, however, was my husband’s thoughts, since he had only ever seen or known me with relaxed hair. He’s very analytical and loves to weigh the pros and cons of any options before making a decision, and I knew speaking with him and getting his “buy-in” would be my first step. Not only that, it was important to me that he’d be open to the idea because I wanted him to still find me attractive. When you’re married, getting and having your partner’s support in anything you undertake is paramount, and it can definitely make all other doubts or concerns you may have seem very insignificant.
So one night, when we were home relaxing, I asked him if I could run something by him to get his thoughts. Not only is my husband analytical in his thinking, he’s also very visual in terms of coming to understand things. So I began the discussion by reminding him of a bad experience I had the previous year with a stylist that I had gone to for the first time, giving him a visual image to focus on during the discussion.
A year prior, I’d decided I wanted a sew-in to give my hair a break, and to achieve a different look without having to cut my real hair. A friend recommended someone who she’d recently gone to, and I loved what she had done. In fact, what I wanted was the exact same style my friend had – a sew-in cut into a symmetrical bob. And since the stylist had done the style before, I figured I was in good hands.
The stylist began with doing the braid pattern going around my head – so far, so good. But as she started sewing in the tracks, I noticed that something didn’t seem right with the way the hair was falling. I was a bit concerned, but I didn’t say anything, choosing to let her work. By the time she was done, however, I wanted to cry. The cut was nothing like I had asked for. It was choppy-looking, and the hair kept falling into my face, with no true manner of style or shape. Every time I moved or turned my head, you could see the tracks. I was devastated.
I just wanted to get out of there and get out of public. I rushed home, desperate to avoid being seen. I called another stylist to see if I could come in, at least get it shaped, and salvage what had been done. When I arrived, the new stylist was perhaps even more puzzled by what I had going on with my head than I was. She did her best in an attempt to cut it into a shape, but because the hair was so badly sewn in, there wasn’t really much she could do.
I went straight home and called my husband crying, recounting what I’d just been through and how I upset I was. He told me that I shouldn’t have left the first stylist or paid her if I wasn’t pleased, and that he would be home shortly to assess the damage. I waited for the front door knob to turn, anxious and emotionally drained. When he finally arrived, he just looked at me and my hair in utter disbelief.
“You spent HOW MUCH on that??” he lamented. “Sumetra, I’ve seen you do your own hair way better than that.” And then, with kindness and patience that endeared him to me when we first started dating, my husband took a pair of scissors and helped me cut the tracks out of my hair.
That entire ordeal was just the visual I needed to help me explain to him one of the primary reasons I wanted to go natural – to stop having to go to stylists and spending a ton of money, only to be left unsatisfied. I continued by expressing my desire to develop my own unique style and embrace the natural me. The last thing we discussed was my thinning hair. Due to a medical condition I was diagnosed with years prior, I started to see thinning around my hairline. I reasoned that the continued use of chemicals wasn’t healthy and would prevent me from achieving healthy hair.
Much to my relief, he was totally on board with my decision to transition back to natural, and offered his full support. He reassured me that he would love me and be attracted to me regardless of what I did, and that the most important thing to him was that I was happy. WOW! That was exactly what I needed to hear. Those words and the level of support I got from my husband made all the other doubts and questions fade away.
What I learned from that conversation and the way it played out, is that talking to my husband instead of talking at him is a much more effective means for expressing my wants and needs and having them understood and met. I could have easily taken the defiant approach and told him “Well, it’s MY hair and I can do what I want!” But it was more important for me to know that I included him in my decision-making, and that I had his support.
Now, six years later, my husband is my biggest fan! He honestly doesn’t care for me straightening my hair. He had gotten so use to “the big poofy hair” (as he calls it) that when I straighten it, he says, “I like it better big and poofy – but you always look great.” Having his support is priceless, and I certainly recommend to all married women considering returning to natural – have that discussion with your spouse. It’s definitely worth it!
To hear more about Sumetra’s wedding day style/approach, as well as other great content, check her out on YouTube!
1 comment
I really enjoyed your honesty in your journey. Also, Thanks to your husband for his support.