Renee’s Corner: 6 Secrets To Keep Your Marriage Alive

Relationships are REALLY hard work, whether you are dating, in a long term relationship, newly married…or still looking for the right person. Given that we’re in the month of love and since my husband and I are heading into our 12th year of marriage, I wanted to share with you a few secrets that have kept our marriage strong and our relationship thriving.

1. Put in the hard work. 

Over the first few years of my marriage, I had to rethink how I approached my marriage in terms of helping myself to be a better partner. If you want to get better grades, you get a tutor. When you want to get promoted at work, you may work longer hours, take training classes and show them you are ready for the next level by performing at the next level. So, people get training on how to become a better executive or better communicator for work, but they forget that same level of study, effort and work has to be done for marriage. I have learned that you must hold your marriage at the same level of regard as you do your career, your kids, etc. It’s unfortunately one of the things that people forget about, that marriage takes just as much work as your career does. I read books about marriage and relationships to help me become a better listener, communicator, and how to navigate difficult conversations.  

2. Learn your partner’s love language.

One of the books that I read and that I highly recommend is “The 5 Love Languages”. Everyone likes to feel loved across these 5 love language dimensions but most people have 2 love languages that — when they experience it — they feel most loved. 

For instance, one of my love languages is receiving gifts. Man…send me flowers are buy me something just because and I am on cloud 9! But…that is not Milton’s love language. As a result, it required work for Milton to learn that I needed GIFTS! 🙂 The issue was that he would get anxious about buying me gifts because he wanted to make sure I was happy. For the first time since we got married, Milton asked me what I wanted for Christmas this past year. And I believe that created relief on both sides. Relief for Milton because he didn’t have the burden of guessing which gift will communicate the way he feels for me and it was a relief for me as well because the I got something from him that I would love and cherish. 

Words of Affirmation and Quality Time are Milton’s two love languages. Similar to many men, he values respect and praise (and in a way, reinforcing that he’s the man!), so I am constantly working on that because I didn’t grow up with words of affirmation and I have to consciously step into that role for him. And let me tell you, that takes work because it doesn’t come naturally to me.

For quality time, Milton’s vision of quality time is watching a movie or a football game together, which is different from what I would conceive as quality time. So, I’ve had to “buck up” and just watch the movie or the game with him, knowing that he’s happy. It’s important to truly meet your spouse where they are and understand that it’s okay to let go and be flexible and enjoy what they enjoy. This also takes work because you are learning to put your partner’s needs before you own. 

3. Fight for your “me” time.

Another tip is to spend some time apart doing what you love doing and enjoy by yourself. For instance, I enjoy taking tennis lessons and my time out of the house and away from the madness of having 4 kids have been helpful. For Milton, he’s been playing golf a bit more than he has in the last 10 years since we started having kids and it’s been helpful for him as well. If we’re all over each other all the time (and add 4 small kids and a dog to the mix) things might become stressful. And especially in 2020 and during the age of Covid, it’s helpful to get out sometimes and enjoy some alone time…for both the husband and the wife. 

I strongly believe that men do a better job at protecting their “me time” than women do and I am STILL learning to be selfish with my “me time”. When you first get married and you have kids, women tend to lose themselves in their marriage and motherhood and you have to work hard as a woman to remember who you are at your core and not lose your “tribe” of friends, your passions…the things that made you YOU and the person your partner fell in love with. So…in 2021…commit to say “yes” to you. Find that outlet that works for you and helps you not lose who you are. You will come back happier and a better partner, spouse, mother…a better YOU!   

4. Learn the need and importance of recovery.

We are by no means the perfect couple, but what we have done really well over the years is to learn how to recover. When conversations get heated, sometimes we need to give each other space and then come back and talk with a leveled head, or frankly engage our marital counselor when we need to. Don’t think that you can do it alone. I have my tribe of married women that have been married longer than I have, and share the same values in terms of working for their marriage. I love that they bring me back from the edge when I need that sage counsel that comes from women who have walked in my shoes with their own husband. Sometimes, things are bigger than you and what you’re going through. You need to step away and come back and talk like two mature adults. 

5. Communicate…Communicate…Communicate.

Like my husband says, men have blind spots. Men sometimes believe everything is going well when sometimes isn’t. What our marriage advisor has taught us to do is to check our ego at the door when it comes time to expressing yourself. Finding a way to successfully communicate your feelings to your partner in a respectful manner is important. Of course, this is bi-directional! Everyone needs to check their ego (not just men). It’s easy to talk from our ego when our feelings are hurt and our ego is bruised. We tend to change our demeanor and speak in a more aggressive way, that’s why we have to check ourselves in that regard and talk from the heart. When you talk from the heart and not from your ego you can go further in the dialogue because you are talking about how something makes your feel at the core. That requires looking deeply at your own fears and recognizing where the source of pain truly comes from. 

6. Date your spouse.

Don’t forget to date your spouse. We sometimes can get in a rut and take our spouses for granted. I go through times when I do the bare minimum, I just get up and roll, hardly getting dressed up or putting makeup and perfume on! (LOL!) However, I now realize the importance of looking nice for me, and also looking nice for my husband. It’s also important to “date” him and spend time together (go out to the movies, watch football together, and exhibit our love language)…away from the kids. Take a moment and don’t forget to date each other.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after the kids if you have kids, and go out get a glass of wine, eat a nice dinner and just reconnect. Another great idea is to do a staycation and just go hotel. We take one couples vacation a year and it really helps us to reconnect and remember why we love each other and why we married each other. It’s a great opportunity to rejuvenate the relationship by spending some time together. Sometimes work and kids can obscure the connection you have and you almost lose track of what made you such a great couple. 

These are the 6 secrets that have helped us keep our marriage alive. I hope this gave you a few nuggets of advice to help you along the way and give you the encouragement to go and seek the professional help you need to hold your marriage up and keep it strong. 

What other secrets do you have for your marriage or relationship? 

Let me know in the comments below.

Xoxoxo
Renee
@Lifebyrenee